Pounce

It pounces when I least expect it.

One moment I’m laying in bed next to my fiance and the next moment my body tenses and I feel near tears.

Or I’m watching a tv show with my daughter and suddenly the look with the disdain and terrifyingly cold eyes peers out at me from a character on the screen and I catch my breath.

Maybe I’m having a regular old conversation with my son and he inhales in such a way that I hear his father and my body floods with anxiety.

It kinda sucks.

This going along with life as usual, years out of the relationship, when . . POW! My body reacts, my emotions flood, and there I am. Feeling terrified and disconnected from this present reality and transported back in time before my healing had begun.

This is the nature of trauma. Our brain stores traumatic experiences with emotional memory and physical memory attached, so any small reminder of these traumatic experiences and we’re feeling the memory, whether or not we consciously know what memory it is we’re feeling.

It’s protective, actually. Our brain’s response to trauma. It stores these things so that we can immediately recognize the danger again. Our brain’s one goal is to keep us living. If there’s a chance we’ll encounter a near death situation, whether literally or emotionally, our brain is going to be on top of it. It’s going to ring the alarms and shout the escape plan.

It’s helpful for all those narcs I currently might come across. They sneer, my brain remembers all the sneers from the past, the emotional memory rages through me, I feel gross around this person, I stay away. It’s helpful.

Or the person walks a certain way, or gives a brief look, or has a certain energy. My brain remembers.

It’s helpful and protective.

And yet, I’d like to not feel the feels, thank you. I’d like to watch the show, notice the jackass, and carry on. I’ld like to lay down in a bed and feel my body relax into rest instead of clench into vigilance. 

One day I believe I won’t. With more therapy, EMDR, more processing, more time, more safety, my brain will relax. Those memories will lose their power. But until then, they’ll continue to pounce when I least expect it.