Doubt
The doubt is the worst.
Sure, the anxiety and constant walking on eggshells and criticisms and abuses are awful, but the doubt is the worst.
I thought I knew the life I was living, but I didn’t. Waking up from 20 years of fiction is disorienting. I’m reminded of Real World’s tagline . . . I thought I knew but I had no idea. And if I had no idea that I was being abused for 20 years, how can I trust anything now?
To be clear, it isn’t even that I don’t trust other people. I don’t trust my own judgment. I was manipulated for 20 years. I see those 20 years so differently now that I’m on the outside looking back and I’ve gained education about covert narcissism, but while I was in the midst of it, I believed it. I believed he was good. I believed his gaslighting that my perceptions were wrong. I believed that I was too sensitive and serious and needed to learn how to take a joke. I believed that he had my best interests at heart. I believed that we were creating a life together and I believed I was in love with a real person.
And if I believed it and it was so true and I didn’t see the awfulness, how can I know that what I believe now to be true is true?
Initially I had to run nearly everything past a few solid people whom I trusted and could help me see the truth. Everything. He’s angry right? I’m justified in setting this boundary, right? It makes sense that I’m angry? I am a good person? His stories don’t add up? Everything.
I’m nearly 3 years completely out and it’s been 4 years since I started waking up. I no longer need to run everything past my closest friends, but I continue to be regularly doubting my perceptions. Am I trusting the right people? Am I paying attention to red flags? I’m being compassionate and understanding toward someone’s less than stellar behavior, am I giving too much leeway? Is this a time I can be merciful or is this a time I’m being taken advantage of?
I was taught to disbelieve my own observations. I was taught to question myself continuously. I was taught that what I thought and believed about other people, men in particular, was incorrect and skewed.
I’m hopeful the trust of myself will return. I think it has been returning a little at a time. I think . . .