There’s Nothing Wrong with You
I’ll admit it. Before I realized I was a victim of narcissistic abuse, I too, asked the wrong questions. As a therapist I worked with hundreds of men and women who were in abusive relationships, and I always approached it with the same misguided framework:
Assure safety
Help victim see it isn’t their fault and they deserve better
Help victim heal from the trauma
Inadvertently cancel out step 2 by helping victim understand why they tolerated the abuse, why they were attracted to that type of relationship, what made them susceptible in the first place
Yep - I engaged in the subtle, psychotherapy-approved art of victim blaming.
Sure, I asked the questions with compassion, and I consistently reminded them that they weren’t responsible for the actual abusive relationship, but I also worked hard to help them see what the hell was wrong with them that made them a victim in the first place.
And I’m sorry. If I’d known better I would have done better. And now I know better and I’m loudly going to make sure other therapists, providers, and the society at large knows better too.
There. Is. Nothing. The. fuck. Wrong. Broken. Stupid. Vulnerable. Or Otherwise. Defective. About. Targets. Of. Abuse.
The abusers are the defective ones and it’s well past time we start asking the questions of them and leave the victims alone to heal and embrace their amazing strengths.
Narcissists, in particular, seek out strong people. Not weak people. They seek out people full of life, not damaged people with nothing to give. They want to surround themselves with amazing men and women on who’s coattails they can ride. There is nothing wrong with the victim. The victim is targeted because they are amazing.
During the initial phases of my own healing, I told my therapist that I cognitively couldn’t understand how I didn’t see it. I’m a therapist. I counsel people on abuse daily. I talk about how abuse looks far different than what media portrays. And yet, I didn’t see it. For 20 years, I didn’t see it.
She looked at me with compassion and said, “Oh sweet Heather, you were doing exactly what humans are supposed to do. You were loving and forgiving and empathetic and merciful. You couldn’t see it because you couldn’t believe someone else, particularly someone who supposedly loved you, could be so evil. You are a good human. You couldn’t believe another human could take advantage of that.”
And there it is.
Most victims do what they are supposed to do. They love. They love well. They uplift and forgive. They see the best in someone and choose to believe that’s the real person. They reflect and introspect. They seek to grow and improve. They are bright and empathetic. They are whole and beautiful souls.
It’s the fuckheads who parasitically live off them and tear them down and take advantage of their goodness who have the problem.
So let’s stop. Let’s stop trying to figure out what makes someone “susceptible” to abuse. Focus instead on what abusers look like, what tools they use, how they intentionally target people. These covert abusers, especially, are really good at what they do. Everyone is “susceptible” to their abuse.
Let’s reframe it from looking at what makes a person vulnerable and instead focus on what makes them a target. Because they didn’t choose it. They didn’t fall into abuse because of any fault of their own. They were targeted. And just like the 30 point buck is targeted by every hunter because of the bragging rights, so victims are targeted for no other reason than they are fine examples of their species.